I used to hate Mother's Day.
Just because I was jealous of the other kids. They
got to do fun stuff with mums. I got to go to a smelly
hospital and later to the graveyard to light the candles.
And then feel sorry for myself. I'm not looking for
pity. It's just how it was and obviously I got over it.
For a long time I thought I will never make the
decision to have any kids at all, because I thought I
didn't have enough of an example to know what to do.
Silly isn't it? I realise now that all I needed to know is
what I could remember of my mother. The kindness,
the warmth, the smile and the sense of safety.
I had a lovely Mother's Day today. Breakfast served
by Cirwen, my lovely husband and my son. They did
not allowed me to get dressed at all, however I won
the battle in the early afternoon. (Somehow, sitting
around in a dressing gown makes me feel I'm ill...)
Generally I was not allowed to do anything (well,
apart from the smelly nappy... obviously), so I had
a lot of time to reflect. I'm happy. Besides my girl's
difficulties - I have two unique beautiful children
who love me unconditionally. (Providing they have
enough chocolate :-) just like me).
The first 4 years of bringing Cirwen up was often
difficult, but this was because I didn't know who
she really was. Unwittingly I exposed her to the
sensory overload while dragging her shopping
in a busy supermarket or a mall on Saturdays,
put clothes on her, which might have irritated her
etc. She couldn't tell me this, because she didn't
know how. She was also very attached to me. To
the point that I couldn't leave the room without
her, unless she slept. Not because her Dad was
not around. He spent an equal amount of time
with her, however she could not bond with two
people in the same time. Dad was great for a quick
rough and tumble, fun stuff, but the rest was mum.
I could not think of having another child at the
time as Cirwen needed so much of my attention.
Then after the diagnosis there was the fear factor.
What if another one will be born with more severe
autism? Could we deal with it?
Although we both initially wanted more than one
child, and once we found out how to interact with
Cirwen there was this niggling fear.
Finally, Cirwen became a very eloquent girl,
settled down at school, found friends and we
realised it's not all so bad. We "risked" it.
Draco, was born eight years after Cirwen.
Absolutely typical boy. His sister - was all
over the moon and it was him who she first
gave a kiss. It was him who she first told
"I love you". From here on "I cute you" have
disappeared from her vocabulary...
I think the tiny little thing she held in her arms
as soon as she was brought (early) from school
made her realise, that love doesn't have to be
so invasive and it is safe to say it.
I was watching them today playing. Cirwen is
Draco's hero. She makes a face and he is in stitches!
She has more patience for this buoyant, mis-
chievious two year old than any of us.
Couldn't do any better.
Maybe it is a bit selfishly cruel, but now I know
that when we're gone she will have someone to
look out for her. Her little brother.